TinkerKin

Inside the Ink

For those who have met me, they know I have a lot of tattoos - and I don’t mean a few - I mean a lot. It is not an unusual occurrence in today’s day and age, and although I like to believe it has become commonplace, I am also aware that on every management team, leadership board or executive committee I have ever served, I tend to be the only person with visible body art. And on the few occasions when there has been someone else, it has never been another woman. Regardless of our strides in accepting diversity and individuality in certain sectors and communities, I find that there are still preconceived notions and ingrained stereotypes around tattoos that hinder us elsewhere.

Whether diversity is by birth or by choice, it is a critical component of an individual’s life. I have heard tattoos called disgusting, amoral and career killers (which is always one of my favorites). I have had people ask me inappropriate questions about my body, had my exposed skin touched by strangers in public places without consent and have had peer’s “explain” how these life decisions will only lead me down a one-way road to regret.

To be honest, when I got my first tattoo, this was not something that I thought about. I didn’t wonder if there would be repercussions - impacts on my career or my personal relationships - but in that same vein of honesty, even if you had told me everything I know today, I would not have veered off this path. For me, the body art process has been an extremely intimate journey - one of discovery and remembrance. My life, my pain, my love, my joy, my successes, my failures - many of these are now branded on my skin. It is an experience that has fundamentally changed my world and my role within it.

As an extremely private person, this is not something I normally discuss in public. I reserve these conversations for close family and friends, and even then, tend to be hesitant. But in the words of Gandhi, “you must be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Today, I choose to be that change.

-----

My first tattoo was a scorpion design that I got when I was 19 years old in a basement apartment in Ashland, Oregon. I got it on a whim and picked a location on my body where I thought my family would notice the addition the least - my ankle. There is very little significance to this moment except that I made a choice and acted on it. Like most shy, nerdy teenagers, I spent most of my high school years following the pack - trying to make friends, trying to fit in - but this moment was about me and my ability to choose. There was something important in the undercurrents that day - an inkling, a realization that I could be whoever and whatever I wanted. It was up to me whether to push this forward.

By my mid-20’s I had gotten a second, small tattoo on my wrist. But after moving to a town where I did not want to live, to be with someone who was not right for me, to work at a job that was less than inspiring - my way of thinking started to evolve. It had never occurred to me prior to this that I could just leave - that this life and my future within it were under my control. I started applying to graduate schools on the East Coast and planning my escape. Around the same time, I got my first custom tattoo work done. I had started to learn by this point how to make better decisions about artists and designs, and after a great deal of thought, elected to get a large pair of abstract wings on my back. Although the symbolism is self-evident, this was a huge physical and mental investment. I was leaving everything that held me to the West Coast - my family, my partner, my friends - my security blankets. By inking that point in time onto my skin, I turned that moment and the process of transition into one that I could not and should not ever forget.

As time has gone by, I have gotten a few other tattoos during or after life-changing moments - my last year of graduate school, the end of a seven year relationship, receiving my third degree, picking up and leaving home after home. Each of these events were lessons in love, life, joy, pain or celebration. But besides that, each tattoo took me a step closer to who I was meant to be as a person. The importance of placing these experiences into physical form was a critical component of my internal evolution.

Fast forward to 2013. That year and those that followed proved to be both the hardest and the most gratifying of my existence. My sister, Kristi - my dearest friend, my partner in disguise - passed away of cancer at 43 years old. I chose to mark her existence in ink - ink that can never be taken away. The year she passed, I tattooed cherry blossoms and her name on my upper neck, back and shoulders. This experience held more than one meaning for me. It was an effort to help me find myself again - a woman lost at sea without a guide. It was an effort to cope with my internal pain by aligning this against something external. It was a way to commemorate my sister’s life, her beauty - to never forget that she was here. Although memories can fade into forgotten, this steadfast visual reminder - one made of pattern, of color, with an ebb and a flow - would be with me until the end.

I am now in the final stages of my tattoo work. As I pass the age my sister was when she died - the younger now older - I have chosen to encapsulate all of these emotions and these stories onto my arms. These designs are intended to celebrate life and as a daily reminder of what is good and lovely and beautiful about this world. It is not just a celebration of those things that my sister can no longer experience but a screaming shout out of what this world has given me. The creativity, the art, the love of laughter, a family of fun - a great dinner, a trip to a foreign country, a job I value - this is what I appreciate and so much more. My tattoos are a way to not only visualize all that is amazing, but to forever remind myself of what my life is, how I got here and the road not yet traveled. The ink is as much me as me.

Besides this very personal angle - the reasoning behind each and every touch of a tattoo needle - there are the underlying layers that relate to culture and gender that should not be overlooked. The ones that should be obvious for anyone who has lived through stereotypes, self-doubt, the beauty myth, feminine mystique, #metoo and the myriad of other daily assaults that leave one deaf, dumb and scrambling for hope. I believe that people should be allowed to be different without judgement. I believe that beauty should be self-defined and not defined by others. I believe that women should not have to ask permission to be strong, rebellious, loud and tattooed without fear of repercussions - either personally or professionally. I believe that women should never have to apologize for who they are, how they got there or what they may eventually become. These elements are as critical to my existence and many others as the air we breathe, the water we drink or the food we eat.

My body and these tattoos are part of my personal journey - my story, my life, my future, my being. They are important, they are of value and they are lovely.